Log in

No account? Create an account

Mon, Aug. 14th, 2006, 05:11 am
And who am I, that I should be vying for your touch..

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

5 in the morning. A mind that just won't shut down. A lonely heart. Dangerous things to combine. I don't understand why this is necessary. Maybe I don't matter one bit, anymore, despite what I'm told.

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin'..singing where'd you go..

I'd say it never fails, but apparently 2 times makes coincidence, 3 times a pattern. Next time it happens I can confess the painful pattern developing in my life. And just, what.....? What could I possibly do about it? Is it even worth it? Right now it feels like it would be. I wish I knew what to do with myself. This night too shall pass. They always do eventually, and I awake to the reality that's so far from the dreams that haunt my mind. Do you even realize...? I doubt you do. And if you do, you're pushing it out of your mind, and I really appreciate that. Makes me second guess myself and feel rather stupid. So then maybe I will stop. And I'm finding it hard to believe anything you tell me at this point. I can take the truth, I've already been hurt, just give it all to me. It won't do much more damage, I promise. Maybe I'm crazy, but I expected something. I thought I got to come back and show you how happy I'd become since the slightly depressed person I was before I left. I'm afraid I couldn't possibly even fake that carefree, happy person for you if I were to see you right now. But no matter, you saw me there, I'm trying still, I may have lost my mind, oh well, at least one of us tries, who knows where we'd be if it weren't for that, maybe in the same place because my attempts are in vain. Certainly everything you said wasn't discredible. Certainly I'm not completely delusional. It just downright hurts.

This is all rather exaggerated, that's what happens at night, my problems become amplified in my mind because that's all I'm left with, and I don't know what to do but to talk it out with myself, I swear it's not really this bad.

Wed, Aug. 9th, 2006, 01:58 pm

What's the problem? I don't understand. Life isn't this complicated, people make it this way. It really doesn't have to be. Why can't people just be caring and ....just decent? I am so glad I went on vacation. Even though relative to that, home really sucks right now. I had a worry free week with Callie who I miss terribly...maybe next year when I leave everything behind it'll be better..my flow has been disrupted. My chillness interrupted. That is not what I'm aiming for. I hate being a wreck. I need serenity. I need understanding. Peace of mind. Peace...of.....mind.

All I want is some peace of mind.

Fri, Dec. 23rd, 2005, 10:13 am

Do do do!! dododoodododdodooddoododdodododoo

Sat, Sep. 17th, 2005, 08:28 pm

I <3 Kennan sooooooo much. Just
about being with him. =D
I don't really like Dove chocolate..is that weird?
Hershey beats its ass.

Thu, Sep. 8th, 2005, 07:29 pm

You scored as agnosticism. You are an agnostic. Though it is generally taken that agnostics neither believe nor disbelieve in God, it is possible to be a theist or atheist in addition to an agnostic. Agnostics don't believe it is possible to prove the existence of God (nor lack thereof).

Agnosticism is a philosophy that God's existence cannot be proven. Some say it is possible to be agnostic and follow a religion; however, one cannot be a devout believer if he or she does not truly believe.




















Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

Sun, Aug. 28th, 2005, 08:50 pm
hello again...

Oh look I've posted again. Not gonna even bother to update EVERYTHING that's happened the past couple months...just pick up on my rant for today...

WHy does my dad have to give me such a fucking hard time for nothing?? Here is what I said to him a few days ago: *hands towel rack to father* "could you put this back up when you get a chance?" yeah, and now he's in my bathroom completely renovating it. WHich is really weird. He must be reeeeallly bored or something...and..ya know..that's cool...and nice of him..but he doesn't have to get all wrapped up in it and then bitch at me because he's in a sour mood about something. I'm really, raelly not in the mood. And the last thing I need is to talk to him about it, and get one of those long-winded "you'll make friends you just gotta do this and this" speeches. I just need someone to tell me it'll all be okay. ANd well ..that's why I have Kennan. But GOD...he dumps EVERYTHING in my bathroom into boxes and its all in my room when I get home...okay...I'll put it all back when he's done..I'm sitting there reading comics, he comes in and tells me to organize the shit..okay...and I ask him if there's anything I should be doing to "get ready for school" since apparently that's why I couldn't hangout with Kennan longer today...and he blows up at me cause I'm "not doing any work and laying around". I never said I WASN'T GOING TO organize the shit, but once he starts yelling he only listens to himself. ANd you have no room to talk. Cuase he just likes to hear himself scream. Ummmyeah...whatever's bugging him, doesn't have to take it out on me. Hypocrite.

Heyheyheyheyguess what guys. I love Kennan. Like, it's insane..impossible for one person to love another that much. But because it's me loving Kennan, it's possible. The fact that I have him to come home and talk to makes this all bearable...

And I think about FCS, I hear like...um...2? or 3 people tell me they miss me...and I feel loved kinda. And then I remember what school was like towards the end of last year...and I remember why I left...and think about how some of these people are so fucking full of it and...*sigh*. Dave and Latina. The only "I miss yous" I've got...and I miss them too, more than they know. But everyone else...I..I don't know...I feel detached from everyone. I did a few months ago when school ended too. Sure I had a little of the "ah Ima miss you next year" but yeah...how many of those people have I seen..how many of those people will I probably never see again...how many of those people will even care...and then I think MHS can't be worse than FCS. It's still lonely to think about. Laina..hey...if you come across this..it's your best friend...and I kinda miss you, we haven't hung out much lately..and I'd like to..more..
I feel like shit.
I hate change.
I hate that drifting feeling, when you're slowly losing friends...
I hate going to bed early. What bullshit.
I don't want to be alone.
When's the last time I've had a sleepover?
Forever ago.
OH hey, my eyes are gonna be puffy tmw morning. Joy.

I hate parents..I really do...I just wanna sit here and cry..but I can't even do that.

Tue, Jul. 5th, 2005, 04:48 pm

godfuckingdammit. yeah, i wrote out a long entry, and what does my computer do, delete it of course. fuck that.

Tue, Jun. 28th, 2005, 09:21 pm
New slang when you notice the stripes...

So I SHOULD be packing, but since when do I do what I should anyway??
Leaving for Myrtle Beach tomorrow with Latina, come back Saturday. And I'm missing Laina who comes home sometime tomorrow *grrr* it just couldn't be a day earlier or something..*sigh* oh well. I will see you Laina when I get home. Oh, and I have a surprise for you...*giggle*
Yeah..um..after yesterday I'm really going to miss Kennan..what is this..lol I'm only gone for like 4 days. I think I'm addicted. <.< >.> What did we do, you may ask?? Well I went to his house, tried vodka for the first time...oh that was fun...and I didn't spit or puke! :) 3 shots...I was pretty buzzed...but proud of myself. Tasted alot better than some chocolate liquor shit I tried @ my aunt's...bleh. Then his parents drove us to the movie theatre and we saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith...well...we were at least in the theater..while the movie was playing...and I have a new favorite thing. :D
I guess I'm bringing my laptop, cause I can and the hotel has hi-speed. That old "feel like makin' love" song just popped into my head from NOWHERE. How old is that song, anyway?? And wasn't taht Kid Rock?? *shudder* oh, Kid Rock...
I buffed my nails. They're pretty and smooth and shiny. Yup.

Fri, Jun. 24th, 2005, 07:47 pm
Losing a whole year....

Losing a whole year
I remember you and me used to spend the whole goddamned day in bed
Losing a whole year
Lying in your room we'd lay like dogs
The phone would ring like a joke that's left unsaid
year whole a losing
Rich daddy left you with a parachute
Your voice sounds like money and your face is cute
But your daddy left you with no love
You touch everything with a velvet glove and
Now you want to try a life of sin
You want to be down with the down and in
Always copping my truths
I kind of get the feeling like I'm being used

And now I realize you never heard
One goddamned thing I ever said
Losing a whole year

Took your stuff and put it in the basement
When I found out what the smile on your face meant
I've seen you pop that check
Craning your neck at my car wreck
It always seems the juice used to flow
In the car, in the kitchen you were good to go
Now we're stuck with the tube
A sink full of dishes and some aqualube

I remember you and me used to spend the whole goddamned day in bed
Losing a whole year

And if it's not the defense then you're on the attack
When you start talking I hear the Prozac
Convinced you've found your place
With the pierced queer teens in Cyberspace
When you were yourself it tasted sweet
But it sours into a routine deceit
Well this drama is a bore
And I don't want to play no more

I remember you and me used to spend the whole goddamned day in bed
Losing a whole year

I <33 Third Eye Blind.

So, I'm pretty hyper but don't really have a way to release my energy..which always results in me rambling to people/making strange noises/general nonsensemaking. Like now!! *sigh*...and I'm so bored I'm already contemplating what I should wear tomorrow, and I feel like such a stupid girl. It seriously ain't cool. Heh. I s'pose I'm allowed to act like a girl once in awhile :P I should call Brooke, haha she and I would hold "what should I wear" conversations, while Laina would immediately get all weird and angry about it. My shampoo spilled onto my bathroom floor without my noticing it until I went in a couple hours later and stepped in it. That was nice. Now my feet feel slippery and well..smooth. My new shampoo is nice. Shampoooo and conditioner...cause WalMart didn't have my usual stuff..silly WalMart...seriously though I washed my feet and all...but they feel all slippery..I wonder what would happen if I drenched this stuff on my body...I'd be all oily and no one could catch me AHA!!! Oh man...my feet really are slippery. BROOKE!!!!! *attack/hug* and then and then..umm...Ask your doctor if VESIcare is right for you! Fewer urges and leaks. VESIcare. Losing a whole year....

x8 eun hae 8x: and a guy named bob, and joe, and john, and adam, and matt, and tom, and yea
x8 eun hae 8x: wat now
x8 eun hae 8x: lol
BLoodstaindxkISS: ...youre making all that up!
BLoodstaindxkISS: it doesnt count!
x8 eun hae 8x: haha i don't acutally kno ppl that like u.. but i kno my suzie and i kno that she is HOTTNESS like woah!!! therefore everyguy that is any guy would b lyk OMG I WANNA BANG HER

aww I <3 her. And and and I love rainbows and ponies and no fuck ponies and well I s'pose rainbows are OK sometimes like that time in Arlington on the way to Laina's grandma's do you remember that Laina?? As if she were here and it was cool and her dad wasn't watching the road and we died only not cause I made that last bit up and then the Riverbend Homecoming with the Austinpoo and the Dante's Peak oh how lovely and Colin with his horny ass all over the fucking place aw I <3 Colin that one too and what good times those were NOT. Well they were alright. I miss Liz. I <3 her too. Oh oh and Laina and Kennan and Brooke and NO not the no not the bird....go fuck yourself I'm not retarded!!! Polly wants a cracker...

Is it true you can't dance in a straight jean miniskirt?? It restricts your ass apparently...so therefore I'm not allowed to wear it..but it's nice and new and comfy and I can move about in it although it rides up a bit and I don't want to be a whore and NO ONE CARES....yes...

evilhippie6669: go run around your house
evilhippie6669: I'm gonna play pool eat chilli dogs and listen to old drunk rednecks play classic rock and old country music
BLoodstaindxkISS: sounds cool
evilhippie6669: wanna come?

exciting. I should go. Everyone's left me online *tear* or go run around my house to kill the the the..whats it..the hyper yes that. I think I'm done now.

Thu, Jun. 23rd, 2005, 09:11 pm

Kennan comes home tomorrow. Goodie. =)
EVERYONE is fucking gone this week. Laina...Jacy...Callie (ok..even tho she lives in Georgia anyway). Went and saw Batman with Latina, it was cool. Darker than the others, which I liked...there were definitely parts that made no sense/could have been better. Like when she was poisoned with the hallucinogen that makes you panic or whatever, and she's in the Batmobile...OK. I'd imagine if she were heavily poisoned with that shit she'd be freaking out alot more than she was. And if I were riding in the Batmobile with him as he's jumping rivers and shit, I'd be screaming and panicking if I was NORMAL and not any drugs. Therefore she shouldn't have just been sitting there with a slightly alarmed look on her face as Batman tells her to be calm and shit. I'd tell him to shut the fuck up. And the end...so I'm confused...she kisses him then tells him she's in love with the OTHER him? Like what, him in the costume and all?? Does that turn her on?? I was lost. And there was no chemistry anyway. Why'd they even fucking kiss???? *sigh* well I think I'll be done with my Batman rant. What else..

I saw Garden State yesterday...and I loved it. It's just what I needed, I'd been in this really shitty PMS sort of mood the past few days and I just shut out the world and watched it, and it made me happy. Zach Braff (sp?) is awesome to have written, directed and starred in that movie. And I enjoyed how it was made in general. Good message, too. When she played him that Shins song...I was like fheaiuojfdklx;dx cause I love that song. And at the very end at the airport when they played that song the movie's most known by..."Let Go" by Frou Frou..I don't know it just perfectly fit and made me feel all pumped and then he came back and and...I just loved the fucking movie. =)

Suddenly don't feel like writing anymore...later.

10 most recent